Do you ever experience moments of joy? For me they are few and far between. Moments when there is no fear, no guilt, no doubt, no worry. All you feel is elation. It need not be exuberant joy, just a steady feeling of calm thankfulness. I had one of these moments this weekend. God was loving me. And I knew it. He was loving me at that moment and I had nothing else to do but respond with joy. I relish those times. Because for me they do not last long. As soon as I have formed the thought that I am joyful, my heart does a truly sickening thing. Instead of embracing it and enjoying what I can from that moment, I instead become fearful. If I am experiencing joy, that means that right around the next corner lurks suffering and pain. Somewhere deep within my soul lies a belief that joy does not last and only precedes trial. I am always waiting for the “other shoe to drop”. Typically thoughts of my daughter or husband dying flood my mind. And instantly, joy evaporates. How could joy exist amid such dark thoughts? And that’s when it hits me. Here I am searching for the true definition of joy and I realize that I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE JOYFUL. Silly me. I write this humorously, but I can honestly tell you that I am terrified. Terrified that if I allow myself to continue in joy, something or someone in my life will be struck down and taken away from me. It is heartbreaking for me to even write these words. What a horrible way to live. And how Godless. Not only have I planned the way that I will suffer, but none of this is biblical or from the Lord in any way. But it is my way to control life. Which is then completely hilarious in itself. What do I really think I am controlling???!!! It is ridiculous on so many levels and yet I cannot let myself embrace joy. I don’t believe I am the only one who feels this way. But this is not right! If we are given joy from the Holy Spirit, it cannot be followed by tragedy. That is not how our God works. He does not give us a stone when we ask for bread (Matt 7:9). And if joy is a fruit of the Spirit, it simply does not follow that joy is tainted fruit. No. It is life-giving fruit. It is from God. Joy is from God. A gift. Not something to be paid back in pain, but something to be enjoyed. Have you experienced this? My pray for you is to embrace the glimpses of joy that you get to experience! Those glimpses of joy are glimpses of God. Photo by Дарья Жданкина on Unsplash
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AuthorHi! I'm Brooke. Welcome to Sing O Barren One! I began this blog after years of unexplained infertility that resulted in five years of trying, four miscarriages, one daughter, and continued secondary infertility. While in seminary, I dove into scripture to help me make sense of my pain and struggle. What type of God would allow this? What I found there changed who I was, how I perceived my struggle, and most importantly my view of God. I wrote this blog as an outpouring of my grief and to joyfully share all that God has taught me. Archives
October 2020
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