“Israel’s identity as sons of Abraham cannot be simply claimed; it must be lived out in the Covenant.” I was so struck today as I read this line. I know this writer is talking specifically about the Jewish community, but it is so true for Christians as well. As Christians, our identity is no longer about what job we have, or what type of family we come from, nor whether we have been blessed with motherhood. This is such joy!!! My identity is found in Christ alone; that is the core of who I am. I am a child of God. But the statement goes on: It must be lived out. This is what struck a chord with me. I can easily claim I am a Christian, but would anyone else even know I was a Christian unless I proclaimed it aloud? Do I truly live out my faith? And what does that mean as I struggle through infertility? It cannot mean putting on a happy face and telling people God knows best. No. My pain is real and Scripture allows us to be real. Just look at Psalm 88. (The only Psalm that does not end on a faithful happy note). Yet, too often I find myself controlling my pain in front of others and rarely do I seek out help in the midst of it. Even if I do, it is in a managed, detached sort of way. I find that offering a few facts concerning my struggle distances others from my real emotions. What does it mean then to live out my faith as I remain infertile? What exactly does that look like? I want to be real with people, but still proclaim my faith in the Lord. Psalm 88 comes to mind again. Psalm 88 I Cry Out Day and Night Before You A Song. A Psalm of the Sons of Korah. To the choirmaster: according to Mahalath Leannoth. A Maskil of Heman the Ezrahite. O Lord, God of my salvation, I cry out day and night before you. 2 Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry! 3 For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. 4 I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, 5 like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand. 6 You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep. 7 Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah 8 You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them. I am shut in so that I cannot escape; 9 my eye grows dim through sorrow. Every day I call upon you, O Lord; I spread out my hands to you. 10 Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the departed rise up to praise you? Selah 11 Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon? 12 Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? 13 But I, O Lord, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. 14 O Lord, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? 15 Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless. 16 Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. 17 They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together. 18 You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness. Here is a Psalm of such darkness, of such desperate hopelessness found within the Bible. Most Psalms end on a positive note as the writer remembers God and turns to Him in joy, but Psalm 88 ends only in despair. The Psalm is written in the midst of heartache that seems to have no end. Can you relate to this??? But notice the description of this Psalm at the beginning: ‘A song. A Psalm of the sons of Korah. To the Choirmaster…’ This was a Psalm sung in worship!! Worship?? Not many of us have the courage to tell God our despair and anger, but this Psalmist does and the Jewish community as a whole would sing this song in worship to God. This changes everything for me. As I pray through the words of Psalm 88, I am directing my pain to the Lord. My struggle becomes an act of faith as I give all my hurt not to myself but solely to Him. Voicing my pain can become faithful worship. And maybe, as I find my ultimate safety in a God who can handle my angst, I can find the courage to truthfully and vulnerably share with others my hurt, anger, and sadness. I can continue to struggle with infertility, while still proclaiming that He is a good God. What do you think? How do you live out your faith in the midst of struggle?
1 Comment
Melissa
2/7/2020 10:55:58 pm
What do you think? How do you live out your faith in the midst of your infertility?...I never have had anyone ask me that.
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AuthorHi! I'm Brooke. Welcome to Sing O Barren One! I began this blog after years of unexplained infertility that resulted in five years of trying, four miscarriages, one daughter, and continued secondary infertility. While in seminary, I dove into scripture to help me make sense of my pain and struggle. What type of God would allow this? What I found there changed who I was, how I perceived my struggle, and most importantly my view of God. I wrote this blog as an outpouring of my grief and to joyfully share all that God has taught me. Archives
October 2020
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